Well, my husband and I are on a small getaway to the coast. It feels good to be away for a couple of nights. Walk along the water, eat good food, sleep a lot, wander around the town, play video games. It’s good.

We did the embryo transfer with our final embryos and got nothing. Well, one of them was not growing right, so we did not transfer it. Our doctor said if it implants it is headed for a miscarriage, so just don’t even try. The other looked good, but just didn’t take. So that’s that. The end of our embryos.

It has been a lot to process, because at the same time my uncle died unexpectedly, after having seizures. They thought it was was a stroke at first, but it wasn’t. We won’t know for sure. He was 75 and fairly healthy. And two days later, my father in law died after a long struggle with cancer. It was unexpected too, because until that day, we thought he would be able to get stronger and recover. It wasn’t the cancer that killed him, it was not being able to recover his digestion after surgery and not building enough strength. It was so close, but not enough to heal. That breaks my heart a little.

He was only 69 and should have had more time. My poor husband is grieving, though quietly, because he isn’t a big one for loudly expressing heavy emotions. I am just trying to be there for him and provide friendly company.

It is hard to know where the lines are between these griefs.

I am sad about where we are, but I am ready to look forward. I feel that this just connects to many stresses over the past several years, even as far back as the Trump presidency, and politics inserting a fracture into my relationship with my parents.

Meanwhile, we are letting ourselves rest after the failed transfer, and failed IVF as a whole. I mean, it is tough, to put all that into it, and have nothing to show for it. I can’t regret anything, because we did our best at every step. If I had a crystal ball, we could have avoided pitfalls, but that’s not how things work.

And while it is not impossible that I could get pregnant naturally, as far as our plans go, we are done with my eggs. That is a sad fact, but trying to do anything else is more painful. We knew that from the outset, banking embryos that three egg retrievals was all we would do, and it was a lot.

My mom told me that one of her friends, who had multiple miscarriages before and after the birth of her daughter, and who knows our history, called me “the bravest woman she knows” for heading into the next transfer after all we’ve been through. I don’t repeat that to toot my own horn, but because of the point that it takes fortitude and guts to do this stuff, and many people have been through worse than we have. Although, what we’ve been through is pretty bad, and I sure wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Our culture couches baby-making in cute photo shoots and adorable countdowns, but it can be a serious trial requiring a tough, warrior spirit and that should not be underappreciated. So what’s next?

This is what we are figuring out. We could pursue adoption, but honestly that may be more than I am able to handle. I am wary of domestic infant adoption, and I really want an infant. The trauma involved in adopting an older child, the separation and instability a kid would have gone through, it isn’t something we feel ready to take on. Which basically leaves egg donation. Thankfully there is nothing in my history to indicated I can’t carry a baby, just that my egg quality is not up to snuff. My body was carrying the last baby enthusiastically, even after he died (missed miscarriage). He tested positive for Down Syndrom in the NIPT (non-invasive prenatal testing at 10 weeks), so that is most likely the reason for the loss.

So, if we can get a healthy embryo for once in our lives, we could have success. I don’t think any of our embryos were healthy, since we wound up with one that tested as aneuploid, one wasn’t growing right and wasn’t transferred, two that didn’t implant and one with Down Syndrome that miscarried. It seems likely that the ones that didn’t implant had some chromosomal issues as well.

So. Egg donation. It is a lot to wrap our heads around, but aren’t ready to give up being parents, and it is kind of amazing that egg donation is an option.

None of this is fair, but I am just so tired of being sad, honestly. I want to find the positive side and I want to look forward. We have had so much sadness for so long, and I don’t want to be there any more. I don’t know why our kids can’t share my genetics. But if that is what it is, okay. I don’t really mind, I just want our kids to be okay and feel comfortable with their origins. But so many people are using donor gametes, that it is not an anomaly. I don’t want our kids to feel alone, so that helps.

It’s a relief to have a path forward and to know I don’t have to put my body through more. I mean, a transfer and pregnancy yes, but that doesn’t sound so bad after ectopic surgery, D&C and 3 egg retrievals!

The things that are over, are over. Grieving is a part of that, but the only way to look now if forward. I feel ready to have a cycle of rebuilding. Enough has fallen down, I am ready to create. I feel strangely hopeful. It’s an organic hope, not just propping myself up, forcing myself to be okay and go forward. This feels like a bit of fresh air.