I mean, IVF obviously sucks. We know this. But there are some sneaky points that I think are overlooked in the conversation about it.

If this sounds a little jaded, I'm sorry. But I wish I had been more prepared for the pitfalls and mindfucks that go along with this hellish misadventure. And I'm not done yet!

Statistics are useless

People love statistics, and blog posts and WebMD love statistics. And from a scientific perspective, yes, statistics are useful. But when you first start looking, the internet serves up a bunch of statistics and broad generalities that don't do you a bit of good.

Such as:

• age related stats targeting women (can you reverse your age? Neither can I.)
• stats on increasing birth defects as you age (still very small)
• being called high-risk or "geriatric" (thanks guys) after the age of 35
• judgments based on various hormone levels
• anything about "stress" as a factor in fertility (see below)

These can be good to understand, but eventually they don't matter. Because they are broad generalities that are not about you. They may be true for population averages, but that's not you. Those averages just serve to make a person feel powerless, not to give you anything you can use to improve your situation. Learning about what specifically is going on in your situation and then researching those points and how to treat them, medically and holistically is an actually sensible thing to do.

I don't care about other peoples' stories

The internet is full of people who did a whole big program and drank a lot of green tea and didn't eat any canned food to avoid BPAs, and and then had three babies and it was a "miRAcLe" and now they have an email list, a youtube channel and a book. This is not necessarily helpful. I am not knocking nutritional improvements, supplements or green tea - far from it. But there are a lot of reasons for having trouble conceiving or carrying a pregnancy. High on the list are: PCOS, endometriosis and irregular cycles/not ovulating. There are a lot of stories of people overcoming or managing these issues and having lovely children. But those don't help me, because I don't have any of those problems. And even when I come across stories of people with similar issues to mine, it doesn't help me much, because I have done a million protocols and had no results. I can't know if it was the protocol that helped them have their baby, or if it was just a matter of time. So those stories just bum me out. I don't need that. If they inspire you - that's great. If they don't, skip 'em.

Which leads me to my next point:

Be selfish

Especially in this day of the internets, there are a lot of people saying a lot of things, giving you big protocols, asking for money for bigger protocols, and handing out inspirational messages. I say: be selfish. These are all tools that should serve you. It is good to research, and it is critical to protect yourself. Meaning it is okay to unsubscribe, unfollow, ignore, etc., all the sources of information that aren't supportive to your being. That includes fertility conversations that just make you worry about your AMH or whatever (accomplishing nothing), it also includes social media that gives you more personal and global issues to be worried about, and it includes family and friends who post stuff that makes you mad, or upset, or any other emotion that isn't helpful. It is okay to protect yourself from all these influences to create supportive energy around yourself.

Managing "Stress" (don't even get me started.)

This may be the most infuriating point. Oh hey, being stressed out harms fertility. Okay, that may be true, they don't totally know for sure. So in response, could we provide something that would actually help to support the emotional wellbeing of women in this position for once ever? No? Didn't think so. Then stop talking to me about how stress is harmful, because the net result is stressing about how stressed we are. Oh my goodness.

Being Open And Receptive And Feminine (Eye roll)

Ooh, here's another one that makes me awful cranky! This too may have some truth to it - if your nervous system is all jacked because you are working 60 hours a week as a prosecution attorney, you may need to cool out a little to support your reproductive system. Maybe. But once I had heard this a few times I started to think it was just another way to blame me and make me question my own innate womanliness. So sure, meditate on this as you feel called to, but also feel free to tell anyone to fuck off, and to not doubt your personal energy. If points like this are helpful and feel right to you that's fine, but if they come off as a judgment that makes you feel gross, they should go into the fuck-it bucket.

The system is not set up to support us.

Managing fertility treatment is a lot of logistics. Appointments, insurance, medications, tests, and so on. It's a lot, and it is on us to manage things. It can be extremely stressful and extremely time consuming. The clinic should facilitate and simplify things, but they don't always order medications on time, or help you get what you need from other departments, or provide any support.

That's not to mention the emotional fallout from appointments. I think the doctors and nurses mean well and do their best, but they give you their diagnoses and leave it to you to go deal with what that means for your life. Only once in three years have I had a doctor talk to me about the trauma of it, and that was when I was in the hospital after a life threatening ectopic pregnancy rupture. I so appreciate her. But that is not the only time my emotions have taken a beating!

The medical system feels like a large machine that is not meant to support individual people. I hate that fact. Perhaps it's wise not to expect support from those people, and make a point of getting support elsewhere, however that is right for you.

Insurance, billing and hospitals are not necessarily trustworthy, and they aren't on our side.

That sounds harsh, but this has been my experience. Regarding billing - watch these people and ask all the questions. I have had a nasty time getting a straight answer about billing and insurance coverage and the fertility clinic was no help. I had to ask them the questions, going back and forth between my insurance company and the clinic to find out what our options were and what it would cost. They could have helped and offered the obvious information at the outset, but that was not what they did.

So don't be afraid to pester them till you get a clear answer, and double check about insurance network coverage. Just because a clinic is in network with your insurance doesn't mean all the doctors are. And they can change their network status without telling you. It's generally against the law, but double checking is always a good idea. "Balance billing" for out of network services is common. It's illegal in many states, but they may still do it, and it's up to you to call them out on it. So don't trust them out of hand or assume they are doing it right. We had a balance bill refunded after complaining that they didn't tell us about it being out of network, which was against the law. They offered some bogus excuse but refunded us "as a courtesy." Do not be afraid to contact their complaints department, and check laws in your area. I hope to see more protections, because the health insurance abuses individuals every single day from behind a screen of bureaucratic niceties and legal nonsense.

I believe the doctors and nurses mean well and are there to do their job, and the insurance and hospital overall is there to make money and to keep from being sued. So look out for your own interests and keep your eyes open.

Also, my fertility doctor missed an ectopic pregnancy, declared it all clear after four scans, and then it ruptured and I nearly died. So, pay attention to your own body and don't be afraid to ask if anything seems amiss, or if symptoms stick around. I wish I had made more of a fuss, but I didn't want to be a wuss. I should have stuck up for myself more. Chances are these terrible things will not happen to you, but be aware of your own body and ask all the questions, and don't feel like you're being silly or annoying if you ask questions. At the very least it will provide reassurance that things are on track.

I feel like the doctors work with the most common outcomes, but they are not infallible, and they can miss things. Don't be paranoid, but be aware.

Medical fertility treatment doesn't treat the whole person

Doctors will test hormones and do scans to check eggs, ovaries and uterus, which are important, but they are not the whole picture. It's like they treat the disembodied female reproductive system. Organs and hormones don't exist in a vacuum, they are part of a whole person. I think that the more you nurture the whole person, the more the hormones and overall health come into balance. I'm not saying don't do fertility treatments, but for sure, don't only do fertility treatment. Nurture overall health, mental wellness, a happy life. Find support for those other things as you can. I think it is good to use acupuncture, naturopaths, and most especially whatever form of emotional and spiritual support is right for you, and just do things that are fun.

Science is very cool, and this opens up possibilities.

It is pretty cool that there are so many ways we can go about building a family these days. We have possibilities that were not there only a few decades ago. I like to keep that in perspective - that it's awesome that we have these tools to use.

Fertility struggles are not your fault and are not a judgment on you as a responsible person.

People who have an easy time with fertility aren't more worthy or special or have it more together.

Life as a woman is different now than in our parents' generation.

It just is a different thing, with different freedoms and responsibilities, so don't let anyone guilt you into feeling deficient because you made different choices than your parents. If you, like me, think it would have been a living nightmare having children in your twenties with that now-ex, be thankful. I don't care how great my ovarian reserve might have been back then!

Read stuff as you like, but eventually, do yourself a favor and prioritize your own judgment and take a break from other peoples' ideas.

Because the best advice is to nurture your own self, and follow your own inner compass. I don't think there is one magical supplement, treatment or protocol that will fix everything. The goal is to realign to your own intuition and have inner stability and balance. Take in things that serve you and toss the stuff that feels like it destabilizes. That is not an easy task when things feel overwhelming. But I think it's the most important part of working through fertility struggles, and life in general.

Protecting and cultivating your inner fire

I think spiritual practice is very important. This is different for each person, but it is whatever is nurturing to your own being. The things that make you feel renewed, invigorated, like your true self. I don't care if that's a walk in the forest, prayer, meditation, bike riding, writing, etc., etc. Support and renew your core being, and follow your instinct and intuition. No outside source can dictate what that thing will be.

Being a Warrior

This sounds like a cliche, sorry. But this is tough stuff that is grueling mentally, emotionally and physically. So I think we all deserve prizes like top athletes or something. Womanhood is not about fluffy sweet cuteness, it's tough sinews. This is the real deal and so we all should respect what we are going through as a serious feat of endurance and will, not for the faint of heart. Hats off, fellow warrior.

Much love to you.

• Frances