We are going to take a break for a few weeks, from IVF and fertility things. It always sounded silly when people talked about taking a break, but I think that’s where we are right now. I feel like when you work all night and are trying to finish a project, it’s 5 o’clock in the morning, and you are trying to push through to get it done but every little thing goes wrong. It’s like that right now.

We did our first frozen embryo transfer at the end of July. It went pretty well, and we struggled through the wait, and did get a positive pregnancy test. We did blood tests and the HCG levels looked good. We were on the edge of our seats, waiting to see if it would stick and be healthy. Made it through the first ultrasound, to make sure it wasn’t ectopic, since I had that before. Everything was fine, and there was a heartbeat. And another checkup at 9 weeks showed a nice strong heartbeat. I had a blood draw for the NIPT - Non-Invasive Prenatal Testing, to test for chromosomal problems: Down Syndrome and a couple of other trisomy conditions.

Then at 11 weeks I had an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. Two days later we got the NIPT results back, and it showed that it was a baby boy, and he had Down Syndrome. I still hadn’t had any signs of miscarriage, so a week later I had a D&C to complete the miscarriage. That was a little over a month ago. I have recovered physically, and holding up emotionally. I still get sad sometimes. I got the remains back and buried them over a tiny tea rose bush. I ordered a Jizo Statue, to put in the garden by the rose bush, as an acknowledgment for him.

Down Syndrome has a very high miscarriage rate, so that is almost certainly what happened. The NIPT is not a diagnostic test, so to be totally certain, we’d have had to do a genetic test after the D&C, but we didn’t bother. We felt that made sense as an explanation, there was a very high likelihood that it was correct, and it wouldn’t change anything to confirm it.

I was planning to plow ahead and do the next transfer, but did a saline infused sonogram to be sure the uterus was all good, and found a polyp or uterine thickening that has grown with my two months of pregnancy, and is poking into the uterine cavity. So that will have to be dealt with - probably another procedure to remove it. It’s possible that it is a pregnancy leftover, but I am not holding my breath for that.

So that’s where we are now. I am okay physically, and feeling battered emotionally. I need to rest, and my husband too. I can’t explain why we have the worst luck and keep rolling ones, as he says. But we are going to take a break for a few weeks, at least until the end of the year and we feel more okay again.

The emotional exhaustion of this stuff is so heavy. The loss, coupled with the physical invasions, they are all just too much. But it is hard to stop, even for a little bit, because I always think that with one more thing we’ll get there. I get focused and I don’t let go. I’m like a bloodhound, or a pit bull, or whatever dog metaphor you like. And that doesn’t always work. Sometimes I think you have to step back, because I have lost my balance and my equilibrium.

In dancing tango, it’s always about the axis. As a follower, I have to always be exactly balanced on my axis, so I can move any direction at any moment. But if my leader were to step away, I wouldn’t fall, because I have my axis. I think life is like that - we need that axis regardless of what’s around us. And I am way off right now, I can feel it.

Hence a time to reset and be selfish and nourish ourselves. I want to take a yoga class because it feels good, not because of fertility. I want to have a glass of wine or not because of what feels best to me for myself. I plan to take some herbs that are supposed to be good for hormones, and drink green tea, which is supposed to help fibroids. And generally go for walks, rest and just see how long it take for me to feel like me again. I just feel exhausted.

This IVF and fertility thing is so tough, because it is so high stakes. I hate going forward because it is so invasive, and involves so much loss, and many physical trials. But I can’t stop because our dream to be parents is on the line, and giving that up would be the greatest heartbreak. I’d be sad forever. It’s tough to be stuck between those two places. Of course, the alternative is to have an actual successful result, but given what we’ve been through, that feels like too much to ask for. I do think we’ll get there eventually, but holding hope is a tough one right now.

I will rest and work on the parts of life that make me feel like me, until I’m ready to take the next step, and then we’ll see where we are.