I have come to realize that the way to keep some sanity in the midst of fertility troubles is all about looking far out, play a long game. A marathon, not a sprint, to use a very annoying metaphor.

It's hard not to want immediate results, and be upset when they don't come. But looking as far outward and forward as possible helps. So that every hope and dream isn't pinned on the outcome of this specific cycle. I think it helps to avoid fixating as much as possible. Obviously that will be kind of impossible, but other supports are important, to keep you in touch with all your long term and short term goals, not just the one about having babies.

It is a brutal game to play, I can't lie. Or it can be brutal. I hope it's not for you! It has been for me.

I started doing something Kelly-Ann Maddox (who is wonderful if you enjoy witchy and woo things) refers to as "scripting," writing out in detail a whole positive scenario you are trying to create with your life. It could apply to anything, any topic, any project. I started doing that, and it felt very helpful. To send the focus and perspective outward, see things beyond my immediate urgent problem, feels so helpful.

One of my favorite meditations involves envisioning sitting with Frigg on her high seat and looking out across the world. Frigg is Odin's wife, known for knowing all, seeing far and saying nothing. She owns her wisdom. I love to imagine sitting by her chair high up and looking out at the grand view of life.

It is part of nature's self protection mechanism to fixate mentally on the immediate problem. When that problem is an enemy about to attack you, this makes a lot of sense. When that problem is a long term thing that can't be solved all in a minute, that results in ongoing anxiety.

That is why not to pin all your hopes for a family all on one cycle. Have a vision of what you're trying to build, see that vision and keep it close to your heart. And have a tangible plan and a backup plan. With a little luck you won't need the backup plan, but it's good to have it anyway, to take some of the sense of threat away from things working out on a certain timeline.

And beyond that, it is impossible to understand why some people get pregnant and others don't. It's not about fairness, or who is a good person, and it's not even directly about health. You may be very healthy in general and still have trouble conceiving, like me. I can't help but think there are larger forces at play, and a spiritual component, that sets unborn beings on their own timeline. I can't explain that, I can't explain why we each are born at the exact moment we are. But I think we each have our own karma and purpose, and I have to trust that my baby is on her own timeline for her own reasons. I have no choice but to accept and go along with that.

I expect that when I do meet my baby, it will make sense that she is who she is, however and whenever she comes to be.