Well, our embryo transfer is tomorrow. I am a bit nervous, but in a much better place for it emotionally than I would have been if we had done it a month or two ago. So that’s something. I have been doing these self-compassion meditations, that are a part of the meditation study I am taking part in. Did I talk about that? Oh maybe not. It is an 8 week course of doing daily meditation using Mindful Self-Compassion for half an hour, which I will explain about in another post, because one thing at a time.

So I think those meditations are helping. Also I have been working so hard to unwind anxiety in various ways. I have been journaling a lot, and working through as much stuff as I can. Trying to be fresh. Every week feels like such a different emotional landscape.

Yesterday I smudged my whole house, which felt good. I went around and spritzed all the rooms with an essential oil blend that I made, essential oils with water and a little red cedar tincture. I did that to clear out the negative energy I felt there, and release bad vibes. I don’t want to go into the new transfer with miscarriage and loss vibes in my house. It was really emotional to spritz and feel I was releasing old stagnant energy especially at places where I passed out when my ectopic pregnancy was rupturing, and in the bathroom where I took so many baths to soothe my body as I was going through the loss. And then I went around the house with copal incense as a way to set a fresh intention, and set the space to be full of love, strength and protection. It felt great. The symbolism of ritual is sometimes so profound. Just going through that action to move the energy makes things feel very different.

I also have been trying to increase my nutrition, getting more minerals, through drinking green drinks, with spirulina, dulse, wheat grass powder, and others, to just infuse as much nutrition into my body as I can. I think that is helping me to feel more robust and have healthy reserves.

It is still very intimidating to be going into another embryo transfer. After the last one ended in loss, which was after a chemical pregnancy and an ectopic pregnancy, it feels hard to face this new invitation for things to go right, or wrong, who knows?

It is scarier, because it is our last transfer with our embryos. We only had four embryos, and transferred two in July. So tomorrow we transfer the other two. If they don’t make it, we will be looking at an egg donor, because I am not doing any more egg retrievals. My egg reserve is low, there is no point, and I can’t put my body through that again.

So that is a lot of pressure, and feels very threatening. I am doing my best to have faith in my baby being what he or she needs to be.