Fertility Update

Well, we are taking a break. Just a litle bit, for a month or so.

After our miscarriage, we were doing somewhat sort of okay, and wanted to press ahead with the transfer of our remaining two embryos. My doctor had me do a new saline infused sonogram (where they put some saline into the uterine cavity to puff it up slightly and use an ultrasound to check the shape of the cavity) to check to be sure there was no issue after the miscarriage. So we did that, and there was some little something poking into the cavity. It doesn’t look like a fibroid, and my doctor said it was perhaps a sessile or half-moon polyp which can happen after a miscarriage, or else some thickening of the lining where implantation took place in the recent pregnancy. Either way I should do a new hysteroscopy to check it and clear it out at the same time. Ugh! One more procedure. Fuck. So I set about trying to schedule that.

By that point my husband and I felt so defeated and exhausted, we just needed to give it a rest, and not even try to do anything for a few weeks at least. It felt like every step forward we get knocked back again.

And then a week and a half later, my doctor asked if I wanted to try this cycle, saying it would be okay to try to proceed with a transfer, but check the lining of the uterus at the midcycle scan, (where they check the lining and see how close you are to ovulation so they can time the transfer properly) and see if it looks okay.

So that is great. It is very possible that everything is fine and there is no issue that would interfere with implantation. I would love to be spared another procedure. The cumulative strain of three losses, almost dying of the ectopic pregnancy, the infinite number of invasive procedures, the ongoing threat of ‘what if it doesn’t work,’ repeated disappointments, the stress of dealing with logistics and insurance, hold messages advertizing the clinic’s birth center while I’m grieving, and on and on, it adds up to PTSD and it is brutal. My husband feels it too. He doesn’t talk about it a lot, but he sure will fast forward anything with a pregnancy or birth scene on tv, in record speed.

But having the opportunity to leap back into the fray, put it in perspective how much we need a break. When we discussed trying to start that right now, he just looked so worn out and said “I’m not ready.” It would have been a rush to do the transfer this cycle, because my doctor didn’t tell us this with any warning at all, which was not helpful. (I have a whole ‘nother tirade about medical stress being made so much worse by dealing with the medical system itself. It’s not just IVF that’s stressful.)

Meanwhile, my cycle is whacky

I think it is probably good as well to let my hormones reset. My first full cycle after the miscarriage was very weird. I had midcycle spotting for many days, and then my period came a week early. This should all balance itself out, but it seems good to let that normalize.

So we are resting for a few weeks.

That was long winded, but here’s the actual point. After making that decision to rest, I realized that I was deeply, terribly, exhausted. Deep down drained and so tired. I felt emotionally and physically depleted like never before.

It is hard to stop, when you feel like the only way to be okay again is to get to the other side. I am impatient. And when I have something in my sights I don’t let go. But when I did stop I realized how terribly I needed it. It feels good to put my own wellbeing first. I think that sense of restoration will help when we go back for another round in the ring.

A couple of weeks after making this choice, I feel tremendously better, and am feeling energetic again.

But then yesterday I had to cancel an extra appointment we don’t need, and speak to the clinic about insurance coverage for the hysteroscopy. That little bit of dealing with medical stuff was enough to make me need to nap for an hour, and make me feel drained for the whole afternoon. It is wild how draining that little bit was. I don’t know if it will ever not be draining, but at least I can rebuild a bit before going back in.

Protocol

So I decided to make a campaign to restore my vitality and my juice, so to speak. I figured I needed to detox, rebalance my hormones and nourish myself, with minerals and general nutrition. As well as let myself rest emotionally, grieve, rest and relax.

I will write out the protocol I made for myself, but this is wordy enough, so I’ll make it a separate post.