So we did our IVF transfer. The first one, after 3 egg retrievals and an ectopic pregnancy, which delayed our transfer by nine months.

But the transfer is done. We transferred two embryos almost a month ago. And can you believe it? One of them stuck. I am actively 6 weeks pregnant. And nothing has gone wrong so far! Crazy, right? I had an early ultrasound to make extra sure it wasn’t ectopic and all was well, and it is. Solid, intrauterine pregnancy with a heartbeat of 108 BPM and everything. Pretty amazing.

I got to enjoy that moment of victory for about five seconds before I met with the doctor, who made pregnancy just look like a timeline of checking for a hundred million things that could go wrong, and I was in tears with fear half the day. Then I got angry with her for not giving me one shred of encouragement. I will not see that lady again.

The embryos were untested genetically, because our doctor said that would give them the best chance. I am angry I went along with that, because I sure would love the peace of mind right now of knowing that they were genetically sound. Because people just won’t let me forget that there is a greater risk of Down Syndrome because I was 39 at my egg retrieval. The chances are still slim, but they sure do love to rub all the elevated risks right in your face. Clearly, doctors just wish we all had children between the ages of 18 and 30, and that’s the cutoff. Also, doctors live in a world of statistics and probabilities, not empathy and faith.

I want to go on a rampage to protect women in fertility treatments, emotionally. It feels like doctors do everything they can to make it as emotionally traumatizing as possible. I know that’s not what they mean to do, but it sure feels like it sometimes.

Look, we all know things can go wrong. But we can’t live in fear of it, it does no good and it’s not reality. I wish for each fertility patient we had a wise older woman to serve us soothing nervine teas and give us a hug and say look, do the next step, don’t worry about their fear mongering, trust the Goddess or God of your choice and look forward.

Mother Nature is brutal but not without reason. I choose to believe that because this embryo stuck, it is strong and healthy. And if that proves not to be the case, She will kick it out. We know this happens, it’s part of Nature’s plan for having healthy people. We know that the chance of miscarriage drops dramatically after the first trimester. Every fertilized egg is not supposed to grow into a person. Death has its place, and I can value it. It’s not evil, though it can be harsh. And it’s hard when it keeps targeting one person. I mourn the deaths of my two unsuccessful pregnancies, but I trust that they were not without reason and I am at peace with that.

I am six weeks along right now (a personal best!) and I won’t feel secure for another six weeks. Perhaps then I’ll believe it’s real and think about if I should buy some supplies or something. But for now I’ll just let it be and take care of myself.

My instincts give me hope. I feel that my baby is healthy, and I feel good. I am working to hold strong to that faith.

The medical industry is about sickness, not about health. They deal in diagnoses and screening. That is an important thing, but it is not the only thing. It is disheartening to be on my own with the things that help me to truly be well - good nourishing food, and a full heart. I’m sure if I said I was anxious they would refer me to a counselor, but I would prefer that the doctors not give me the anxiety attack in the first place, with a little human decency and empathy. Thankfully though, I have a very supportive naturopath and therapist. They are kind and sweet and interested in the whole person, and that helps.

My fertility doctor wanted me to have another ultrasound in a week to see how the baby was growing, but I declined. There is no need for it, and my doc said that was fine. Even if it is growing perfectly one week from now, that doesn’t mean that it won’t stop the week after. And if she stops growing, there is nothing we can do about it. So I’d rather let her grow unmolested.

It is a long road, even when there is hope! I was almost afraid of a positive pregnancy test because that would mean a whole new set of fears and worries. But I take it one step at a time, and do my best. I wish there were a literal stork who would drop a baby right onto my doorstep. That would be much more fun! But here we are.

I’m sharing all this, not simply to complain, but in the hopes that if anyone reads it, they will feel less alone. And if an experience makes you feel upset and gross, it is probably with good reason! There are things that are considered normal in our culture and medical system, but that doesn’t mean they are good for human individuals with feelings. I think it’s important to acknowledge the emotional burden, and to understand that if you feel an emotional burden, it’s not because you are weak or “overly emotional,” or hormonal, but because this stuff is a lot to handle. The medical system and fertility treatments are good at looking at hormones and egg reserve and not good at supporting the whole person.

Anyway. Lots of love.