Well, there was one more piece to my miscarriage saga, and it wasn't a fun one.

I wrote that whole thing about getting through my miscarriage, but it still wasn't over. I got the all clear from my doctor after a fourth ultrasound a little while back. But five days after that I started feeling not great again, a bit more bleeding, still little twinge pains on the left side. I started feeling really bloaty and thought I had painful constipation or food poisoning. Then I walked across the room and passed out. I went back to bed to rest. After a while got up again, passed out again. My husband heard the thump and came up to find me on the floor. I stood up and passed out one more time. He got me into the car and we headed for the emergency room. My hands were starting to get cold.

We tried to get out of the car and I hit the ground one more time. My husband ran for help, and they got me inside in a wheelchair. In the parking lot I heard them ask if I was pregnant, and my husband say I had miscarried. In the emergency room it was obvious that I had lost blood, they got massive transfusions going, my blood pressure was low, and they saw that there was fluid (blood) in my abdomen. I started to be so cold and shivering. The doctors were very reassuring though, and I wasn't afraid. I just new I needed help and they would fix it. I explained everything that had happened with my miscarriage up till then. The doctors immediately suspected a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, and got me into the operating room as quickly as they could.

I woke up a couple of hours later, feeling better. They got me to the room, where my poor, sweet husband was waiting. He had spent two hours in the waiting room, having googled the dangers of ectopic pregnancies and knowing that I had massive internal bleeding. It didn't hit me till later just how scary it was.

The gynecologist was great. He explained what he expected to find before the surgery and then what happened afterward, which was just what he thought it would be. My pregnancy was ectopic, about 9 weeks along, in the left tube. It was 3.5 centimeters and the tube had ruptured, causing massive bleeding. They did laproscopic surgery and removed my left fallopian tube, which was destroyed. They stopped the bleeding and removed 5.2 liters of blood from my abdomen (yikes). I got seven units of blood before and during that procedure, and then another 2 units the following day to get me topped up since some level or another was still a little low. I am generally a strong healthy person, and that has served me well in healing. I was able to go home around dinner time the day after the surgery.

I was so very sore at first, but it is getting better every day. I'm now managing the pain with CBD and California Poppy, after using tylenol for the first few days. I am able to walk around easily, though I'm tired and it feels like I was punched in the uterus. Which isn't too far off from the truth.

The magnitude of what happened hit hard and I am now (six days later) mostly over the shock of it, and not so full of what ifs. I am very upset that my doctor did four ultrasounds and was monitoring my progress and did not catch this. Everything says that it's so important to diagnose ectopic pregnancies early, and I was in my doctors close care and they did not catch it. And our lives are on the line! I like her, but won't be able to stay with her because I'll never feel safe. I don't know if I'll ever feel safe enough to get pregnant again. I need some confidence that I'll survive the process! I am relieved to not have that fallopian tube, because it feels like a liability. Not sure I'm thrilled about the remaining one, since we have four frozen embryos waiting for us, and I am not inclined to attempt natural pregnancy again. I know ectopics are rare, but the idea of it happening again is completely terrifying. It's early though and I am just healing right now, not making any decisions. We'll get there down the road.

Today I had a blood test and my pregnancy hormone is down to 181, which is much better. I'll be so thrilled to have a completely negative pregnancy test, I can't even explain. I will see my doctors next week - both my fertility doctor who was monitoring all this at the fertility clinic, and the gynecologist at the hospital who did my surgery. I want to understand better what happened, was it somehow not visible on the scans? Were there two embryos? I will ask both doctors and see what I can find out. My life is on the line here, so "oops, I made a mistake" doesn't really cut it.

But meanwhile, I am very grateful to be alive, grateful for my husband, whom I love so much, and just to be home with our silly animals. The hospital was amazing at getting me put together, but there was too much commotion to sleep well, and the food was not inspiring. At home I can get good rest and drink nettle tea and eat what seems right to me. Which is a whole bunch of meat right now. They warned me that I'd be anemic to start, and I am definitely craving beef. So strange for a mostly vegetarian like myself! But I'm trusting my body as it rebuilds, and getting grass fed beef so it's as humane as I can make it.

Life is crazy, what can I say. It's unreal that this happened, but I will be just fine. It was Imbolc yesterday, the Celtic holiday looking forward toward spring and the renewal of the light. And that feels entirely timely. It feels like a new time. I am healing and ready to reevaluate things and start creating and building anew. I don't know what our family will look like in the future. I'm just glad to be here and I want to heal and then paint and write and play music and live life!

Goodness.